Monday, November 08, 2004

Review: Episode III Trailer

A review of the recently released Episode III Trailer, by my buddy Jove (in the style of a Strong Bad Email):

Dear George a.k.a. Mr. I'm So Cool I Like to Wear Flannel All of the Time and Have a Beard Like The Santa Claus Guy,

I saw your trailer and it did not suck. Some parts were totally awesome. Some parts were less awesome. Let me give you a couple of examples so you will know what it is that I am saying. First of all, you know that shot in the trailer where, like, you see Darth Vader and he's all like strapped to a table and they're like raising him up towards the camera and the Emperor guy is like "Rise!" and he's all rising? That would make a very cool final shot for your movie. If the music was all like "Dum Dum Da DUM! Dum Da DUM! Dum Da DUM!" And everybody in the theater is like "Holy Crap! Now he's Darth Vader! That is totally awesome!" And everyone is like cheering and throwing popcorn and stuff and all pumped up and then they run home and watch the original Star Wars on their DVD. But also you know what would really suck? If you put the very cool final shot of your whole movie... into the trailer. Cuz then, no one is going to be like "That is totally awesome" and throwing popcorn and stuff. They are going to be like "Hey man, that would have been so cool if we hadn't already seen it in the trailer." And then instead they will be like all bummed out. So if that was going to be the final shot in your movie, man, I think maybe you kinda blew it. Now you should go back and maybe stick in some other scenes right after that, just so it won't be such a bummer for all of the people. Maybe shots of, like, a bunny or a puppy or something, you know, playing with a ball or a string or a ball of string. Or something.

Ok, here's number 2. All the space footage in the trailer was pretty awesome. I hope this means you will have a good space battle. And not just a short one with like 2 ships, which is what you had in the last movie with the asterioids and the Jango ship and the Jedi ship and the little bombs that were like, really quiet at first but then really loud. That was an okay chase but it was not a very awesome battle. It was too short. I want to see like a billion ships on one side, and like two billion ships on the other side, and they're all like shooting at each other and stuff and flying in and out and that will be awesome. And maybe have a Death Star in the background. Actually, on second thought, no more Death Stars. That would be lame.

Third, Wookiees are totally awesome. I am looking forward to seeing all the Wookiees. I dressed up for a wookiee for Halloween one year and all my friends were totally like, "Oh my god, man, you are an awesome wookiee." Except for this one kid in my class who was a real jerk and kept asking me if I came from the Planet of the Apes. Man, I totally hated that guy. But anyway, please make the wookiees be good Wookiees in Wookiee costumes, though, and not all with the computer-generated wookiees that look like they were from that little kids movie about the monsters that worked in the factory where one of them was all big and blue and furry with the big blue fur that looked totally fake. You already kind of messed up Yoda when you stopped letting him be his awesome puppet self and turned him into like a cartoon guy, but I will forgive you for that one, okay, cause you are the big boss. On the other hand, if you are going to have lots of big hairy ugly wookiees that are totally kicking the badguys' butts in a battle or something and growling and snarling and fighting and like ripping people's arms out of their sockets, I want them to look like the wookiee in the original movie who was like a totally tall guy in a big suit and he had real eyes and he kind of ran like a dork sometimes but he was totally believable and not like some stupid cartoon monster. If you mess with the wookiees too much, I might have to come and mess you up. Ok? Alright, that is all. Good luck with the movie, and if there are going to be any slave girls in metal bikinis in this one, please let me know ahead of time so I can get a good seat. Ok. Goodbye.

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